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Short Story By Mike Baharmast 1-94
From a book of short stories titled "Untruly Funny Stories"
For more, see "README.TXT"
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Mr. Saul Goldman , Attorney at Law
Goldman and Goldman Associates
Primrose, South Dakota

Dear Sir,
I swear to god you must be scraping the bottom of the barrel for a buck. 
I just got the divorce settlement document you sent me and to think I had 
25 pages, in fine print, of material possessions on 25000 iffy dollars a 
year income would surprise the hell out of anybody with two bits worth of 
sense. You guys must have waaaaaaaay too much time on your hands to think 
of all this crap, half of which I don't even understand. But here's my 
reply to just a few line items that I do comprehend:

7.2- "Clothing wear: each party shall be given unrestricted access to 
his or her clothing wear at their discretion, not withstanding the 
regulatory conditions imposed by the court or the specified or implied 
wishes of the claimant or claimants.....". Son, basically your telling 
me I can take my underwear if it don't bother nobody, is that right?! 
Now what the hell kind of moron'd think I'd want her panties instead? 
Or that for some future reference, to cover your legal butt, in case 
she all of a sudden expressed an urge for acquiring my boxer shorts, 
she'd have a legal doorway to file a claim. For crying out loud, get 
a job.

13.8.4- "Live stock- any live stock subject to dispute will be placed 
in the domain of the court for arbitration.......". We have one cat. 
She can have the freaking cat, I don't want it, it was never mine, I 
had nothing to do with it nor do I want to have anything to do with 
it. The mangy critter showed up on our door steps one night and she 
decided to feed it. Now shall we take that to supreme court for judicial 
arbitration.

15.5.6- "Trees and shrubbery- claimants are advised that upon the resolution 
of said claims any such items may be by law subject to a petitioned for 
removal........". You mean who ever leaves may be forced to rip out half 
of the oak, pecan, pine and orange trees and take it withem. We have five 
acres, how the hell are we supposed to move all these trees? Were'er we 
supposed to put'em?

17.7.8- "Fixed landscape features- parties may claim any part of fixed 
landscaping. Upon the resolution of such claims by the court the claimant 
shall be obligated to remove said items within 30 days.......".  Son, the 
main landscape fixtures on this property are the lake in the back and the 
drive way in the front. So you are saying if I'm the one who leaves, and 
I like the lake, I can take it with me!!?? Amen for the school that 
graduated you. 

20.9- "Familial Heirlooms- parties may claim disputed familial 
heirlooms......". Like I can claim her mothers weddin dress and 
she can claim my pa's bowling ball. Gees, you're beyond the bottom 
of that barrel now and working your way through the top soil.

To make the long story short you're feeding me 25 pages of cow manure 
that don't mean nothin to no one around here, excepts may be yourselves. 
There's only one thing to resolve here and that's the property. Now you 
say I'd have to give it up. Now why in the hell is that? She's the one 
who left me. So if she's doing the leaving how come I'm the one who's 
actually leavin? Way I figure it, if you want'a go, hell, go!
As to all this bullshit about "not understanding the plight of the 
female and their struggle against male dominance.... ", what's that 
got to do with anything? She decided she wanted to be with Mr. X 
instead of me. Fine, best of luck, she's struggling against his back 
bone now, let him deal with her plight.
You know this is my third divorce, each time the woman finds some other 
guy and I have to leave the house. It just ain't right. Next time I decide 
to get married I'll just look for a woman who'll swear she'll stab me in 
the back, I'll then just buy her a house outright and leave right away. 
That way I'll skip the years of puttin up, all the heart break, and the 
bullshit artist middlemen like yourself and just be done with it. Thank 
you for nothing.

John Reardon.